The Big Swap - Part 29

~TWENTY NINE~

"I'm going home."

Even when she uttered those words she knew she wasn't actually going to be able to leave Vedant at their dinner date all by himself. He'd planned this for months if not years, and she didn't have it in her to sabotage it like that.

So this is what being in love is like.

He had practically whiplashed at her, and yet, she was feeling the need to put his feelings before herself.

Vedant on the other hand, instantly regretted his words.

He admitted it had felt good for the first few seconds, but the momentary satisfaction had more than dissipated the exact moment he'd seen the warm tears glistening, ready to spill from Meera's eyes. The chocolate coloured, doe shaped eyes he had vowed would never see tears, not because of him at least.

But he'd hurt her, just for some stupid questions he was desperate for her to answer.

As the silent seconds passed, he felt the cloud from his thoughts disappear at her sudden declaration of wanting to leave and a rational part of his brain take over. No matter how hard he tried, he saw nothing wrong at having finally asked her all the question that had been plaguing his mind for as long as he could possibly recall. One thing he could've done differently was choose his words a little better.

A LITTLE Better? You sounded like a legit asshole Vedant!

He sighed, already guilty. "I'm sorry Meera. I guess I've just been bottling too many things inside for too long and-"

To his complete and utter surprise, she cut, "-you're right."

"I...am?" he asked with confusion.

Meera gave a gentle nod, "Ever since this...this long distance thing, all we've been trying to do is maintain peace. Which we did maintain, but at the cost of communication."

Vedant wasn't too sure he was able to follow where she was headed.

"I guess you and I both know there are a lot of things we need to discuss that we've been evading so far. Some of them were the ones you just lashed out about."

The waiter interrupted suddenly, and they both took a few seconds off to let the food be served on the platter. He'd forgotten how hungry he was, and dug in immediately.

"You were saying...." His mouth stuffed with noodles, he tried to ensure their link didn't break. Meera smiled lovingly at his childlike antics despite the tension in the air, and Vedant blushed a deep sense of red, immediately wiping his face with the napkin.

She blinked, feeling a strange warmth consume her. And just like that, all the anger, all the hurt was gone.

"We can always talk after dinner Vedant."

At that, he shook his head with a vehement no. "I think we've avoided this conversation long enough Meera. You were saying...?"

She couldn't disagree to that. "Somewhere along trying to make things work, we stopped sharing our thoughts with each other. I feel like this is it. This is the only thing that has been causing all these disagreements for the past few months. While we thought we were working towards making things work, we were only increasing the tension and bottled up emotions."

Vedant nodded in understanding, "So what do you suggest we do?"

"We get everything out. We ask each other whatever has been bothering us and know the other person's take on it. If we disagree, we discuss it, like any other sane couple until one of us is convinced to change their views on the subject. Basically Vedant..." At that, her voice grew soft and sensitive, almost pleading, "...we talk like we used to once upon a time."

"Okay."

Meera smiled, the kind of smile that always lit up her eyes and made Vedant weak on the knees. Thank God for being seated. He didn't recall the last time she'd smiled at him like that, so beautiful.

"You can be the one to start." She offered, digging onto his dish as per tradition. Vedant pushed his plate further towards her unconsciously, and sank back into his seat as he watched her nibble from his plate.

It was so amusing at how much he simply loved watching her.

There was something so...so Meera about each one of her movements. The way she pushed her hair to one side of her shoulder as she leaned forward to take a bite from his noodles, the way she licked at the side of her lips to take in the garlic dip that smeared the dish and then, the way she grinned a satisfied smile at having liked the taste.

"Okay. I want to know everything about Kanan." She looked up from the plate at that, her doe shaped eyes a little sceptical. She knew this was coming, and he found it important to add, "Please don't take this the wrong way."

Meera shook her head dismissively, "I know, Vedant." And then, deep in her thoughts, she passed him her plate to try from, "Rishi and Kanan have been super close for longer than I can recall. So I guess it's a given that he was a regular at our place."

Vedant nodded, trying his best to be understanding and open about it all.

"And I never had very good terms with anyone at home. Especially with Dadi. So...um...you've read my diary, you know the kind of restrictions I have at home during my period. I was fifteen when I first got my period, and there was a ruckus at home about it, because I'd stained something unknowingly...." Even when she narrated the story emotionlessly, Vedant could somehow sense a life altering moment for a young girl, something quite scarring that she was about to disclose. "....Dadi didn't even care that Rishi's friends were home. In fact, Kanan was standing right across the hall!"

Meera tucked a stray chunk of hair behind the curve of her ear; something she did when she felt defensive, her gaze everywhere but at Vedant's, almost like somewhere, somehow, despite all these years there was still a part of her that was the same frightened fifteen-year-old girl that had never quite gotten over the incident, "I've only ever cried once in front of my family." Her voice was a bare whisper, "I cried that day. The humiliation was too much to bear. And my Mom..." a sarcastic laugh followed, "...she just stood there and watched the drama."

He couldn't imagine how traumatizing this could've been for her. How many times had Vidisha messed up as a little kid at his place? And how many times had they laughed the incident off as a joke back home?

"Well, my crying didn't last for too long. I got my shit together, pulled out the stained bed sheet and burnt it up on the stove in front of Dadi. She slapped me in return." Now, he saw fury in her eyes, her palms rolled into fists.

"So I walked out of the house in a blood stained pair of trousers. It wasn't Rishi who followed me out that day. Kanan did. He walked with me to the medical store, paid for my first sanitary pad, waited outside of the public toilet while I changed and let me tie his sweater around my waist till I walked back home; that too upon his insistence."

Her gaze finally met his at that, "I haven't always been this sorted you know? It was Kanan who taught me to channelize my anger towards something else, towards something that mattered. In my case, towards a stellar career. He taught me when to fight back and when to tame my fury for future use. If not for him, I would be out on the streets right now blaming my family for my miseries completely negating the fact that I at least had a 'family' that readily paid for my expenses as long as I accepted a sexist remark or two in a day."

And to think he had wanted to punch Kanan!

"It's funny really." She then laughed, "Despite all this, at some point I only had guys around me telling me I am unwittingly and annoyingly selfish when it comes to my career. And now, I actually have my ex say he's always wanted me for his wife."

Vedant didn't know how to feel about any of this. Because clearly, being mad at Meera wasn't something he could justify to himself. He didn't even have it in him to be furious at Kanan. He'd taken care of her when she was absolutely alone.

Moreover, he was afterall, only expressing his desire to marry Meera. Which was the highest form of respect he could expect a man his age give to a woman.

"So... was he or was he not of the same opinion?" he found himself question anyway.

Meera looked up from her glass of water at that. "What opinion?"

"You know..." Vedant spread his arms suggestively, "...you being selfish about your career and all-"

"-oh no." she cut, "He was very supportive. Like I told you."

He sunk further into his seat at that.

A part of him; an irrational part at that; had almost hoped Kanan didn't deserve Meera. That despite the strong history they'd shared, he would've done something so unforgivably bad that there would be no reason for Meera to miss his presence in her life today.

But he could see the fondness for him in her eyes most effortlessly. Not that it looked like Meera wanted to hide it from him anyway.

"So...what lead to the breakup? And how come you guys never got back together again?"

Meera bit her lip indecisively, and he sensed he'd touched a sensitive topic, a raw nerve.

"I really liked him and I have no doubt that he reciprocated. But he was extremely scrupulous and unimaginably honest." She shrugged, "Rishi always had a most baseless rule that none of his friends were to ever even consider dating me. 'Out of bounds'." She made the air quotes with a sarcastic smile playing at her lips, "It used to kill him to have to lie to Rishi. So I suggested we come clean. As in he come clean. I wasn't on talking terms with Rishi anyway." And then, she sighed, "But he couldn't do it. He couldn't tell Rishi."

"So he broke up with you because he didn't have the gall to admit to his feelings for you?"

Meera blinked with surprise at the passion that flashed in Vedant's eyes. It was almost as if he were hurt for her heartbreak, with her ex, more than five years ago.

"No." she replied, "I broke up with him."

It was Vedant's turn to look surprised, "But why?"

"Because he also didn't have the nerve to break up with me. He would never be able to do it, and I was not okay with letting him live with guilt because of me. So I broke up with him."

Vedant sighed to himself. They were nothing but a beautiful, albeit unfinished story. And he didn't know what to think of it.

"I still don't understand him at all!" Meera exclaimed all at once. "I mean, he let me break up with and he'd actually looked relieved Vedant!"

Damn.

"Even though I recall him trying to keep in touch; things were obviously never the same. You know me. If I move on from something, I ensure that not even my shadow looks back at what could be. And now he pops back up out of nowhere and confesses to have had feelings for me through all these years of basic contact? Moreover, from which angle do I look wife material to you Vedant? I mean I understand that we were kids then. But what does he see in me now?"

Oh but he knew what Kanan saw in her. He knew perfectly well why Kanan had never gotten over Meera to begin with.

It was something about her, something so very alluring.

It was the ambition that she was so full of, but also this strange vulnerability she harboured within. It was her strength of character and independence, and yet a fragile part of her that wanted love and support. It was the beauty of her firm resolves and yet an acute need for Vedant's words of comfort, of her claiming to be in control of her emotions but breaking down in his arms upon insistence, of her confident strides in public but nervous gait when she met his parents that was so lovable.

He loved her beyond imagination. He loved her so much, it actually hurt to think that somewhere, not so far from their little bubble, there existed another man, who had been lucky enough to have met her first, to have been loved by her first and if not for one, unlucky twist of tale, was this close to having this woman he called his girlfriend in his life.

Vedant felt his gut twist at the realization.

"Vedant?" she called gently, her soft and soothing voice already calming his racing nerves.

He willed himself to look her in the eyes. "So....do you still-"

"-no." she cut even before he could finish his question.

Vedant felt himself slump with relief, "But I can never compete with that kind of a history Meera."

From across the table, she interlinked their fingers gently and smiled, "You never have to. I admit that what him and I felt for each other was something special too. I will never stop caring for him, but I love you." And then, with a cheeky smile, "And I'm hoping you'll respond to this with an 'I love you too'." Vedant chuckled, giving a tight squeeze to her palm before raising it to his lips to place a kiss.

"I love you too Meera."

Continued... The Big Swap - Part 30