The Big Swap - Part 39

~THIRTY NINE~

Early the next morning, Kanan rubbed at his sleep-deprived eyes and sighed in relief realizing it was finally time for him to rush home and catch up on some sleep he was in desperate need of. Ignoring the half-open case files he'd tried to read through, he walked out of his cabin in quick strides and was halfway through pulling out his white coat when Meera's Dadi's thought crossed his mind.

Dr. Kothari hadn't shared details with him due to obvious doctor-patient confidentiality reasons, but a part of him that truly cared for the Modi family made him want to have a quick, unofficial look at her condition before making a move for home.

To avoid the usual bout of questions, he pulled the coat back up and headed towards the patient's rooms and gently walked in.

Years of training kicked in, and without notice of anything else in the room, he began a quick scan of the nurse's reports and the intravenous dosage. Dadi was okay, for now. She was as fine as she could be, but Kanan knew all too well why Dr. Kothari was probably not even considering her discharge from the hospital. He too was expecting a second, major heart attack, which would need immediate medical attention.

Old age sucks!

Scratching his head, he turned towards the standard couch along the wall of the room expecting Mr. Modi. Instead, there lay Meera. Her body pulled into a foetal pose, she practically curled herself into a ball and let out light snores that sounded ridiculously adorable to his ears.

He knew what her foetal pose meant, the AC was freezing her, but madam was too deep into her slumber to even realize the same.

Grinning at her old, childish habit, he increased the temperature on the air conditioner and stopped.

So what if she was dating Vedant? He could just stand there and watch her sleep right? That wasn't wrong. Or was it?

Stop acting like a creep Kanan.

Meera stirred and pulled out of the ball she'd rolled into and spread her legs out on the couch before settling her palms under her head as a cushion. Clearly the temperature was more comfortable for her now.

Kanan sighed.

How much he craved to hold her in his arms that instant. Right then, he was ready to give anything to have the right to just touch her peacefully sleeping figure once.

She is taken. This is wrong.

Taking slow steps towards the couch, he found himself get down on his knees to have his head at level with her hers. He dug his palms into the pockets of his coat to keep his urges to himself and for more than just a few seconds, studied every curve of her face. He had each one of those features engraved in his mind. How long had it been since he'd last seen her this up close?

She was mine once.

Was this humanly possible? To love someone so much that your heart aches at the intensity of it all?

Why wasn't he able to let go? Why wasn't he able to accept that she had moved on?

She's with Vedant. BACK OFF KANAN.

A light melody of birds chirping snapped him from his trail of thoughts and he turned towards the side table where Meera's phone buzzed to life. Even the awkward pose of sitting on his knees on the floor gave him enough access to her phone screen to see who was calling.

Vedant

He gazed at his watch. Sharp 4 AM. Why was he calling her at this time of the night?

Deep in thought, he barely registered Meera stirring from her sleep and her eyes fluttering open.

"Uh..."

He turned towards her immediately, and visibly froze.

Oh Good Heavens! What will she think of me?

Meera didn't push away from him like he feared though. Instead, she looked into his eyes steadily, almost as if there was something she was trying to read from them.

This came as a surprise to him. Did it still matter to her what he thought of her?

The phone rang a second time, more than sabotaging the beautiful moment they shared briefly and Kanan found himself press his eyelids shut out of sheer irritation and frustration. Meera got up from the couch as did Kanan from his awkward position on the ground before he leaned towards the table, and passed her her phone.

"Thank you." She mumbled.

Kanan gave a brief nod.

"Yeah I'm up..." she spoke into the phone, and he took that as his cue to leave. But he could feel Meera's eyes burn a hole in his back.

It was almost as if she wanted him to stay. Did she want to say something?

Swallowing in his pride, he stopped in front of the door and turned back to face her. Her eyes met his, while she continued speaking into her phone and that one look was enough for him to know his decision to stop had been correct.

She did want him to stay.

"Yes Vedant...." Meera whispered into the phone, obviously trying to make the conversation less annoying for him. "...I'm not irritable baba I just have to get going now..."

Kanan tried to count backwards from hundred in Gujarati to keep himself distracted.

"...yeah. Me too...."

And that had to be her reply to his 'I love you'. Kanan controlled the urge to roll his eyes.

After what he could only call decades, she finally hung up.

"Is this a good time to talk?"

It was so alarming, how despite the years of minimal contact that they'd maintained, he could still read into every crease on her forehead and every slump of her shoulders. Meera was tensed about something.

And that seemed reason enough for him to forget that not more than half an hour ago he'd been on his way out of the hospital and that he stood before her that instant with only three hours of sleep in two days.

"Yeah. What's up?"

She turned towards Dadi's bed skeptically, and Kanan instantly added,

"Let's go to my cabin."

Meera looked his way doubtfully, "Are you sure?"

Despite the evident tension in the air, Kanan smiled, "It's my cabin Meera. I'm sure I'm allowed to take in whoever I want to, whenever I want to."

She relaxed at that, and fell into step with him. But two steps in,

"Oh crap. I had to give Dadi's IV update to the nurse-" Meera started hastily.

"-I checked don't worry. She still has about an hour and a half of dosage left."

She nodded thoughtfully, "But Dr. Kothari said it needs changing every four hours."

Is that why Vedant had called her? To wake her up on time?

Despite the little stream of jealousy, he found himself appreciate his efforts. Would he be able to do that for her?

"That's him wanting you to be careful."

When she still looked unsure, he added, "You can go ask the nurse if you don't trust me."

She glanced at him at that. And then, shook her head, "I trust you."

His heartbeat quickened suddenly and a crazy adrenaline splurged through his being. What was it about Meera that pulled him to her this bad? The attraction he was feeling for her that instant was making him crazy!

Was taking her to his cabin in such a frame of mind a good idea?

He had no time to think over though, for they halted outside the door by then. Kanan waited till she entered the cabin before following in.

Meera studied his room quietly for the first few moments, and he stood before the door unmovingly, simply watching her. This had once been his hobby. And despite himself, he found the twenty-year-old in him blush at feeling a striking sense of déjà vu. Her fingers fidgety and nervous, biting her lower lip, this was the exact way she had walked into his room for the first time as she'd studied his surroundings wordlessly about ten years ago.

It had been the day he'd confessed his feelings to her.

"There's nothing personal about this cabin." She declared after a couple of minutes, before turning towards him. Kanan snapped back to the present immediately.

"You know I've never been good with all this." His response was accompanied with a shrug.

Meera nodded knowingly.

"Why were the lights switched off here? Were you going somewhere?"

So observant.

"Yeah. I was heading home."

She looked a little surprised at that, before questioning, "Kanan I asked you if this was a good time to talk-"

"-it is Meera. I'll head home after talking to you."

When she still said nothing, he walked closer to her and offered, "What is it Meera? Is everything okay?"

Meera leaned back and seated herself along the edge of his table at that. Kanan controlled the urge to flinch, knowing perfectly well that if this would've been anybody else, he would've definitely snapped most unceremoniously by now. "Thank you for everything you did in my absence Kanan. I...I can't imagine Papa being able to handle all this all by himself-"

"-stop right there Meera. Your family means something to me too and you know that."

"I know." She whispered softly, but her eyes looked confused and surprised, almost as if she hadn't expected him to say what he just had. "But still, thank you." This time, her eyes glistened in pure earnest, and he felt a familiar pang of heat course through his veins.

She'd always been like this, strong, difficult to understand when you took a bird's eyes view, but when you looked deep within, she was nervous and needy. Despite her strength, she had needed him. And she had showed him that side of her time and again.

She was doing that now again, wasn't she? This had to mean something.

His gaze was probably too invasive and his trail of thoughts too obvious, for Meera looked away from him immediately and he wasn't too sure if it was a blush he saw along her cheeks. He watched her a run quick hand through her hair, as it went behind her back, giving him a most beautiful view of the wheatish tan of her skin and the outline of her collar bones.

His heart raced, his thoughts everywhere but where they were supposed to be.

Meera cleared her throat suddenly, snapping him out of his daze as she started, "I uh...I did receive your messages Kanan..." He knew she'd received them, thanks to the blue ticks on the messenger. "...I swear I was going to respond. But then all of a sudden, I got a call from home and then there was so much happening all at once...." She drawled on her usual way, and he could just stare in silence.

How was he supposed to be over her? How was he supposed to move on?

"-Meera." He cut gently, his palm resting on hers instinctively. "It's okay. I understand."

Meera's eyes froze at the placement of his palm, and for a second, just a tiny second, he saw indecision flash through her eyes. He wanted to stop, this was wrong, so wrong, but he had already taken a few steps closer to her.

The tip of his fingers travelled along her bare arm, and just like that, he watched goosebumps outline her skin.

So he still had an effect on her! That was a start.

But why wouldn't she look at him? Why wouldn't she meet his eyes?

With his other hand, he placed his index finger under her chin to bring her eyes at level with his. This was something that had always made her blush in the past. But this time, she visibly stiffened.

And when her eyes did meet his, they glistened with unshed tears.

"Meer-"

"-so this is why you've been helping me."

It took more than a couple of seconds for him to understand the implication of her statement, and even an insinuation in that direction made him sick to his very core.

His hands dropped to his sides, and red faced with shock and embarrassment, he found himself take a step away from her.

Is this what she thinks of me?

"I came to thank you Kanan. I thought you were being there for me, just the way you'd promised me you would when we broke up. But you've had your reasons all along. Isn't it?"

Oh God what have I done?

"You're getting this all wrong Meera. I swear I didn't mean t-"

"-really Kanan? Then look me in the eye and tell me you weren't going to make a move on me if I hadn't reacted the way I did this instant!"

As cliched as it could get, his eyes dropped to the ground with shame.

His heart was beating so fast, he wasn't sure he remembered how to breathe. When Meera headed for the exit of the room, he found himself rush towards her in quick strides,

"Please let me explain Meera."

Her eyes shone with pure fury as she gazed at his palm that held her by her arm, "Don't touch me."

Instantly, he let go.

"I'm sorry Meera. I didn't mean for this to happen."

Her gaze dropped down to her arm where he'd held her, and he realized with a start that in a moment of panic, he'd gripped her much more harshly than he'd intended to. She was probably going to get a bruise there in a couple of hours.

"Let me look at that-"

Her palm ended up on his chest defensively, and her message was loud and clear. She didn't want him anywhere near herself.

Eyes burning with rage and yet watery with a clear look of betrayal, she pulled the door to his room open forcefully, and just like that, walked away without a word.

It was only a couple of minutes after she left that everything sank in for Kanan and a feeling of disgust for himself took over.

This is what she thought of him, and he'd just proved her right. He pressed his eyes shut, and then, unarmoured and unabashed, finally broke down into the tears that he'd been holding within for years.

... continued The Big Swap - Part 40