The Big Swap - Part 40

~FORTY~

Harsh sunlight streamed into the room and hit her eyes leading to deep creases on her forehead out of irritation. When was the last time someone had had the audacity to pull open the curtains to her room while she'd still been asleep?

"URGH!" Meera groaned in bed, folding half of her pillow to shield her eyes.

"Get up Meera." It was a stern voice, clearly identifiable even through her messy head.

"Ma?"

She squinted her eyes to adjust with the lighting, as she stared at her Mother's figure sitting along the edge of her bed.

"Who else? Now get up. Quick."

Meera staggered up on her butt, instantly feeling a headache shoot up. Her hand landed on her forehead immediately.

"Have you brought any good Indian wear with you?"

Ofcourse her Mother didn't seem to notice how bad her headache was! Had she ever even cared?

"Um...I don't know. I have some basic stuff. Why?"

"Show me what you have."

Meera raised her brow quizzically.

"Actually, forget it. I've got you this. Freshen up and get dressed."

She cringed at the sight. It was a tacky, bedazzled salwar kameez that was a shade of mauve that would only accentuate her dark complexion. She'd rather drape Diwali lights all over herself than wear that hideous piece of clothing in any public place!

"Why?"

Even when she threw that question, she knew the answer to it. That single salwar kameez was the answer really. Her Mum had decided to call some ladke walas over for lunch...or dinner...or breakfast. God, what time was it?

She turned towards the clock in the room and gasped. It was eleven in the morning, and the last recollection she had was of the intense fight with Kanan, hailing an auto home from the hospital and crashing straight on the bed.

Had she been sleeping for one whole day?

"When did I come home Ma?"

Her Mother looked her way disapprovingly before leaning in to smell her like a ridiculous sniffer dog.

"What are you doing?" Meera snapped irritably, pulling her loose Tshirt closer to herself.

"Sniffing for alcohol of course. You cannot be sober and ask a question like that!"

She found herself roll her eyes at her antics.

"I am not drunk Ma!"

"Good." Her Mother drew back hastily, "Now get up and get dressed. And I don't want to see that frown on your face when you come out."

Was this woman for real? How had she concluded Meera was going to comply with being a goddamned showpiece in her very own house?

"I asked you why, Ma."

Mrs. Modi stopped on her way to the door before turning around with a stern face, "You and I both know why, Meera."

Meera folded her arms before her chest defiantly.

"And what if I say no?"

The sound of the doorbell resonated in the house at that, as her eyes widened at her Mother immediately. Only then did she notice the glittery sari and sparkly eye makeup and eye liner that she'd donned.

The guests were here.

This woman did know her afterall, and had expected her to react the same way she had knowing fully well, that once the guests would arrive in the house, Meera wasn't going to throw a tantrum.

"I don't believe thi-"

"-get dressed. Now."

And with that, her Mother walked out of the room.

Meera dropped onto the bed, feeling horribly claustrophobic suddenly.

Is THIS why I came home in the first place?

The sound of laughter from the living room became audible, and she found herself stare down the salwar kameez before her distastefully. As if glaring at it was going to make the current situation go away!

These guys CAN'T be my family. God I hate them.

I HATE THEM ALL!

Right when she'd concluded that things couldn't get any worse for her, she heard a voice from the living room that startled her beyond compare.

Sitting outside, waiting to see her for an arranged marriage proposal, was none other than Dr. Kanan Gandhi himself! Which meant, that the mere news of their alliance she'd only once heard had progressed way beyond that, and that too without her knowledge.

I'm going to kill him!

Meera found the bedsheet crumple under her balled fists.

Which self-respecting human was capable of turning up at the doorstep of the woman he'd forced himself on twenty four hours ago?

Clearly there was so much more about Kanan Gandhi she was yet to discover. There had to be a reason he had come over to her place anyway even after the way she'd yelled at him.

She gazed at the mirror for a couple of seconds, before letting out a sigh and quickly stripping out of the pathetic outfit she'd been roaming around in the hospital in. Then, she studied herself in the mirror. She looked as normal as she possibly could. What could he have found even remotely attractive about her that day? Attractive enough to want to kiss her?

God I'll never understand men!

Rolling her eyes at the Universe, she quickly changed into the tacky outfit her Mother had placed for her.

He wanted to play this game? She'd beat him in it!

Pinning her hair into the grotesque fake-curled updos she recalled cringy wedding makeup artists from local salons do for the bride, Meera applied a shade of rouge too light for her skin and a lipstick that only highlighted her dusky complexion.

In the end, when she looked into the mirror and saw the ugliest and yet, most demure and ready bride-to-be, version of herself, she smiled, and then walked out towards the living room.

Kanan looked up from his glass of tea the instant she set foot into the room, and she watched him shake his head with disapproval lightly. He looked like he wanted to snap at her, but Meera found herself feel a strange sense of satisfaction.

"There you are Meera!" It was Mrs. Gandhi, who looked so genuinely pleased to see her, Meera felt guilty for a fleeting second.

She scooted over on the couch enthusiastically, making room for Meera, and she struggled to walk with her head held high under Kanan's uncomfortable scrutiny. From the opposite sofa from hers, he asked,

"Is Rishi not home?"

"He should be back any minute." Her Chachi replied with a bright smile, as Meera's gaze landed on her Mother. For the first time, in all the years she'd lived with the woman, she actually looked pleased with Meera.

And that's when all the things clicked for her, her Mother's definition of an ideal daughter.

A quiet, opinion-less, face full of makeup, worthy of multiple rishtas from eligible bachelors.

She didn't know why the realization hurt so much, considering this was something her Mother had never tried to hide and she had known somewhere at the back of her mind. It just needed one moment of epic realization, just like this one.

"Dhoklas are A class beta." Kanan's Mother smiled from next to Meera, as she looked up from gazing at the floor to meet her eyes.

"Um..."

"...you know how modest she is Heena Ji!" her Mother cut immediately with a wild hyena like laugh she always gave out when she was nervous.

Meera sighed to herself.

Obviously she told them that I made the Dhoklas.

Kanan didn't look her way at all though, too deep in conversation with her Father who was quite evidently very fond of him. He had every reason to be, considering how Kanan had been nothing short of a pillar of support in her absence.

Even the thought of the hospital brought back the memory of her fight with him, and her mouth instantly filled with distaste.

"Can I talk to you Kanan?"

All activity ceased, as an eerie silence envisaged the earlier energetic room.

"Of course you can Meera. Here, swap places with m-"

"-alone?" she cut her Father, who had so generously offered her his seat from right next to Kanan.

"This is supposed to be a family meetup Meera, we can talk later."

His eyes held no emotion this time, as he looked away from her immediately.

Meera found herself rise up to her feet anyway, her voice stern and powerful again, "I need to talk to you."

Kanan looked ticked, but rose up from his seat before giving a rather sarcastic shrug.

Gulping down her anger, she stormed into Dadi's room and walked the span of the room in quick strides to even her ragged breaths.

He on the other hand seemed unfazed, grabbing a seat on the undone, single bed.

"What the hell is WRONG with you Kanan?" the volume had been too loud, as Meera found herself let out a heavy breath and then, "I cannot believe even after what happened yesterday you're still here to discuss our marriage talks!"

Kanan didn't respond, his gaze like a lost and tired soul.

"You're going to say no to this marriage Kanan."

Still no answer.

"Urgh what are you doing Kanan!?"

At this, he let out a soft, sarcastic chuckle. "Really, Meera? I should be the one asking you that." His eyes did a once over of her outfit and her hair, before lingering on her lips. But just as quickly, she saw him gulp and look away.

"That's what they want me to look like. Our mums actually looked really happy with the new me." She'd half expected some words of reassurance from him about no need for her to change. But he said nothing.

"You know about Vedant Kana-"

"-damn right I do Meera!"

Meera blinked, a little surprised at his raspy tone. He had never spoken to her like this.

"I know about Vedant and I know of your feelings for him! I know more than I would've wanted to know. Which is why you expect me to understand everything. You expect me to be okay with you having moved on. You expect me to be okay with the fact that your family finally finds me worthy of you but that you don't want me anymore. You expect me to understand your ambition and you want me to understand your familial pressures too.

But you know what I realized yesterday Meera?"

A dramatic pause followed, as she watched him take a determined step closer to her and a familiar masculine scent of his favourite perfume hit her nose, kicking in a wave of unwanted nostalgia.

"I realized, that I don't want to understand anymore!"

Something told Meera that the previous day's argument had only been the trigger of years of pent up frustration. This was not heading for the right direction and a smart move would only be to back off.

But she couldn't.

"I..."

Tongue tied. That's what she was that instant.

"I'm not going to say no to marrying you Meera."

He was now standing only at an arm's length from her, and her body seemed to be on high alert of what was capable of happening. They had too much history and too many unfinished confrontations to be standing in the confines of a closed room with little distance.

Her head throbbed all over again, and the bobby pins that secured her hair into the hideous updo only added to her discomfort.

Meera forced herself to focus, staring back into his eyes displaying such a clear want for her, she wasn't sure whether it was okay for her to feel overwhelmed. She didn't even have lack of sleep to blame for her muddled thoughts.

How could she feel nothing in his presence?

He was the first guy she had fallen for, the first guy she'd opened up to, the first guy she'd shared her numerous first-s with. It didn't help matters that she never quite got her closure from him.

"Why not?" her voice was now a bare whisper, dreading his answer.

She knew she was in love with Vedant. There was not even an iota of doubt in her being about that. But something was drawing her to Kanan that instant, and that was also the something, that was not letting her brain function rationally.

"Because I've already said yes."

Meera sighed with an unknown relief. She could do with that answer.

"What's the big deal about that? Say no the way you said yes."

Her voice was finally gaining some composure, and Meera found herself returning to her normal, confident self. And suddenly, the ridiculous updo felt like a burden she refused to carry with herself.

With a tug at her hair, she tried to pull at a bobby pin.

"No."

Meera paused, as she watched him cover the arm's distance between them in swift strides. Before she would say anything for a reply, his palm reached out for the bobby pin she'd been struggling with. Her breath got stuck at her throat, as she allowed him to gently pull down one hairpin after another with remarkable patience, his gaze not once leaving hers.

When the last pin was out, he ran a quick hand through her curled locks, and played with the tips gently like he once used to. He'd always loved her long, luscious hair. Only now, she'd shortened them all the way up to just a couple of inches below her shoulder.

"Kanan please understand...." She started courageously, "...I can't marry you-"

"-I said NO Meera. I can't understand anymore."

Like a flash of lightening, he distanced himself from her and Meera instantly felt a wave of heat wash over her face.

I was okay with him standing so close. If I was okay with it, what right did I have to yell at him that day?

"If you didn't notice, from the very first moment my Mother took me to the hospital in my knickers to see Rishi's three days old baby sister, all I've ever wanted to do was to get her in bed with me! When you and I played pretend games and you made me your husband and poured me tea from your tea set, all I could think about was how to get you in bed with me! When you and I would study late nights for our entrances and you would sleep in my arms without realizing it, all I would think of was how to get you in bed with me! When you would rush to my home with tears in your eyes because you very feeling so very scared and lonely about your future and I would hug you to myself while we'd watch those stupid romantic movies to lift your mood, all that was on my mind was how to get you in bed with me!"

Meera gaped at him without a word, only then realizing how much her words had hurt him.

"In fact Meera, even as I stand in front of you right now with my Mother sipping at tea with your parents as they discuss our marriage, all I can think about is how to just get you to sleep with me." He gritted through his teeth.

The sarcasm was now giving way to his eyes getting moist, to the point that she could see his entire face flush into a redness that was alarming.

"Kanan I-"

"-that's RIGHT Meera. You were so right yesterday. You're not my best friend's baby sister to me. You're not the woman I've loved my whole life. And you're certainly not the woman I worship with every fibre of my being. You're just a piece of meat that I want to taste and then discard into the goddamned dustbin! I must say Meera, your character analysis of me that day, after knowing me for twenty five years is pretty on point."

Meera watched Kanan let out an exasperated breath with evident exhaustion as he gasped for breath and evened his strained breathing.

What have I done?

Already feeling the guilt gnaw at her, Meera whispered ever so softly, "God I'm so sorry Kana-"

"-no you're not Meera. You meant every word of it. I saw it in your eyes that day. I can never forget that look of disgust on your face. Is that it Meera? Do I disgust you?"

"Kanan no." she shook her head vehemently, not sure what to say to get him to forgive her.

"You've spent all these years blaming me for being a spineless, jackass of a boyfriend for not being able to stand up for you all those years ago. You think you're so perfect Meera?"

She wasn't sure what he was talking about, and found herself shake her head anyway. "No, I...why would I think I'm perfect?"

"Good. Because you're not!"

Silence filled the room.

"Give me one good reason for why you haven't introduced Vedant to your family yet Meera." She blinked, already taken off guard. "Forget introduce. You've never even mentioned him. Not even as a friend. Why?"

Her brows drew up with irritation, "That's personal Kana-"

"-and that's code word for I AM GUILTY. Just do yourself a favour and stop victimizing yourself Meera. If I was spineless all those years ago, you aren't any better today.

But there's a thin difference between the two of us. I valued Rishi's friendship as much as I valued you in my life. I didn't want to give up one for another. I tried to be there for you even after the breakup, but your king sized ego came in the way. You cut me out Meera. You pushed me away. You never let me make things work!"

She didn't know what part disturbed her more, him blaming her or the epic realization of the truth behind his words. She had been the one to push him away from herself. That was something so very characteristic of her really.

"Prove to yourself that you're not like me. Because only if you do Meera, do you have the right to be mad at me for what happened all those years ago."

"What are you talking abou-"

"-introduce Vedant to your family and get married to him. And if you can't, be my wife. I promise to move past all this when you do."

This was absolutely ridiculous.

"Do you even hear yourself Kanan?"

"I do. As a matter of fact, I can finally hear myself after so many years of turmoil." He paused, "I'm in love with you Meera. Always have and always will. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

At the same time, I've had enough of you blaming me for everything that didn't work out between the two of us. Yes, I was going to kiss you yesterday. Yes, I want to kiss you right now as well. Heck I want to go much farther than that but only if you want it too. And I think we both know that this has nothing to do with my involvement with Dadi's hospital formalities. I helped, because I could and because I wanted to."

He didn't wait for her response, already heading for the exit.

"And by the way Meera, I didn't miss that indecision that flashed in your eyes when I was about to kiss you."