Confession

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“Meera”, the therapist called.

“You sure you don’t wanna say anything?” He asked.

I looked at him and shook my head.

“Give it a try Meera. Words will help in healing.”

Like every day I gave him As-If-I-Care look and went back to my room. And like always he chanted from behind - “Confessions are good for the soul Meera”.

I came back to my bed and start thinking about why does he keep saying that? Is this a part of his psychological study or just a random one-liner he flaunts. And do I give a f*uk? I mean, all I have to do is eat thrice a day, take these medicines which keeps me drowsy, attend therapy, look around other so-called patients from my window who roam around like zombies, lay on the bed and stare the ceiling for hours with this unique peculiar medicinal smell around me. Except for the silences, I hate everything about this place. But now this is a life I’m destined to live, life in a mental asylum.

Now, it’s been more than a year here. I haven’t spoken to anybody yet. Either my mind feels absolutely numb or it always revolves around his thoughts. His presence & absence, the one who loved me like no one could ever do. I miss him.

I miss the way I looked at him, wanting to kiss him again. I miss the way he hugged me tighter and the way I rested my head on my favourite pillow ‘his chest’. Before getting separated I was married to Izhaar for almost three years. Those were the best two and a half years of my life. To be honest I was a girl with complications. I had very limited number of friends. I had temper issues and just like every girl of my age, I hardly interacted with my parents. I still have no idea how an insane like me did manage to find one sane person?

I met Izhaar during the last year of my college in a festival. We started talking in the following days and as expected he was also a little uncomfortable with my behaviour and mood swings but unlike others, he made an effort to change it. And that is how it started. Soon, as fate decided, we fell in love. He made me meet his friends and cousins and they were exactly like the people I always wanted to befriend. He actually transformed my world. Till the time we graduated and got placements, we were mutually so attached that any acquaintance would think that we are spouse. A year later, he proposed me and I was on cloud nine, getting married to him and living together under the same roof? I still remember my cheeks were flushed red by just the mere thought of it. I said yes but I never knew the consequences that were about to follow.

I knew my parents would never accept him as he was from a different religion. He was an alien for them and so was I for his parents. We tried but, things only got worse. We realized that no matter how much education and preachings we get on unbiased religion and communal harmony, everything goes out of the window once you are in love with a person who belongs to a different religion. But we were adamant, so we got married.

Our parents disowned us, only few batch mates and colleagues made it to our marriage. We shifted to another city. First few days were hard for both of us as homesickness gripped us tight but as life goes on we also moved ahead and we became each other’s only family. Nothing changed after marriage. Apart from being my husband Izhaar was still my best friend. We do had arguments over household things but he knew how to make things right. He was the one for me and I was happy that I found this kind of love because everyone is not so lucky in their lifetime. And all these things I ever wanted, I got it just because of him and him alone. All those wishes which a girl want from life fulfilled, by merely being with him. It's really a wonder what a right person can do for your life. They say magic is just an illusion. No, magic is real. He was the magician and his love is the magic that completes me in a way I only thought existed in movies and fictional book.

But there were times when I missed my family. I never showed anything in front of Izhaar as he was already giving his 100% to our marriage and I never wanted him to think that I’m away from my parents because of him. He had his own ways of lightning up my mood, unplanned holidays, long drives, exploring new diners and watching episodes of my favorite TV series. His tiny little gestures always made me forget all the problems in my life but deep down he knew the absence of my family was badgering me.

And the days passed similarly coated with the joy, affection and time. Our third anniversary was nearby but like always I wasn’t happy this time. Recently, Izhaar had came back from an official trip and was behaving strangely. I could clearly sense something weird in his expressions but I brushed all my doubts aside as we never poke our nose into each other’s job. In the next following days, everything started falling apart. The next night we were having dinner when his phone rang. I had no idea who it was but he did something unusual. He looked at me from the corner of his eyes, picked it up and went to the balcony. I was baffled by that as he never have had left the dinner like that. He came back after few minutes and I maintained my calm as I didn’t want to make a fuss out of it.

“Who was it?” I asked.

“Mmm.. from the office”, He replied picking up his spoon and looking at TV.

I knew he was lying but don’t know why I didn’t cross-question him. I mean, I was his wife, not a possessive girlfriend. That incident did concern me but the trust I had on Izhaar was unbreakable.

But, two days later there was another blow on my face. I was getting ready for the office and Izhaar was in the bathroom when few notification sounds popped from his phone. I was doing my hair when I reached near his phone. The hair comb dropped out of my hand. There was a passcode protecting his phone. I couldn’t open his phone anymore! He had never done anything like that before, not even when we were in relationship, then why now? We are the only two residents of this house then from whom did he hiding things from? The sinful thought prevailing in mind since few days started taking over.

“Is he having an affair?” I asked “No way!! You know how much he loves you” And I instantly replied to myself.

He came out and started getting ready for his office. I still didn’t have the courage to ask him. We had the breakfast normally. He was acting so calmly while a volcano was erupting in my mind.

“Izhaar”

“Yeah” He said picking the car keys.

“Why is there lock on your phone?” I asked.

“What lock?” He asked casually.

“This lock” I said waving his phone at him.

“It’s nothing babe. You know official confidential mails. Anyone can lay hands on it at workplace”

“Really? So open it” I said.

“What !?” He gaped at me.

“What? Do you think I’m gonna steal your confidential mails?”

“No But,”

“But what?” I shrieked.

“Why are we having this conversation at the first place?” He asked me in irritation.

“Because I think I have all the right to know”

“Listen, I do not want any argument at the beginning of a day. Please we’ll talk in the evening”

“Even I don’t ta….” Before I could say anything he snatched his phone from my fist and left.

Tears came into my eyes. This was definitely not the man I had fallen in love with, not my husband either. How could he behave like this?

I never went to my office that day. I couldn’t stay like this. I need to know why is he doing this? I realized this all had started with his official trip. Maybe she could be his colleague or something. I called Anil, his co-worker and an old friend to find whether he was travelling or going around with someone from his office? What Anil told me felt like jabs on my face.

He told me Izhaar wasn’t assigned to any official trip and he was on sick leaves on those days. I hung up and starting sobbing. How could he do that to me? Such a big liar? I loved him with all my heart and this is what he’s upto?! I laid on the floor and cried for so long. I woke up at evening and realized I had slept on the floor while crying. I washed my face and made tea for him. I was numb and wasn’t crying anymore but I was sure a part of me died that time. I just start gazing at the wall clock, waiting for him.

He came back at his usual time. He hugged me and apologized for the morning and I faked a smile because there was not even a pinch of guilt on his face. I bought the tea and sat on the chair adjacent to him. It was our daily routine to have tea at that time of the evening. Only our smiles were missing like before.

“Meera,” He said sipping his tea.

I had no energy left to speak so I just nodded my head.

“I’m sorry for acting so weird. Actually, there is something I wanted to tell you” He cleared his throat and continued, “It’s the not the right time but I can’t handle this awkward silence between us.”

I looked at him.

“Argh. Ahem..ahem” He coughed a little “It’s just..”

“Can I ask you something?” I shot back in an instant.

“Yes” he said.

“Was I not good enough for you?” He started staring.

“What is so special about her?”

“Meera”

“Is she good in bed?”

“What are you saying Meera?”

“SHUT UP..!! Shut up you lying piece of Sh*t !!!” fuming at him I rose from my chair.

He also tried to stand up but his legs give away and with a loud thud he landed on the floor on his back. White foam started coming from his mouth and he started coughing more violently. He was helplessly looking at me and his face colour started turning purplish.

“What? What you are looking at!?” I was screaming in rage “You thought you could get away with this!? I loved you with all my life. I left the ones who raised me for you and YOU!!” I looked at him and he was spitting blood now.

“I still can’t believe you did that”, I was all in tears when he crawled his body a little and reached near my feet. I could see him trying to utter something but there were no words coming out. I pushed him aside and grabbed my tea with the same amount of poison in it. “I’m not leaving you!! you see this, you are still fuc**ng answerable ” I was in hysteria.

Suddenly, right in front of me, his phone rang with an unknown number. I picked it up expecting that to be my marriage breaker, but froze the next moment. It was my younger sister.

“Di.. Is that you?” She shouted in joy.

“I told Jiju not to tell you anything before your anniversary.”

“What” I gasped for breath.

“I’m here with Ma and Baba, Di” She was beaming and jumping. “Jiju flew here a few weeks ago and convinced Ma - Baba to meet you. They’re not mad at you, Di. They’re ok with you two now. All thanks to your hubby. But why did Jiju tell you before? This was supposed to be your anniversary gift, you know.”

Her voice wasn’t audible anymore, the phone dropped from my hand. I looked at Izhaar and he was not moving anymore. I was numb. I knew he was gone. Long gone, along with our dreams, hope for a beautiful future and faith on God. Just as a group of planets, stars and whatever around is been sunk by an unsparing black hole.

I looked at him once again and drank my tea in one go. I don’t remember anything after that.

I am still trying to figure out how I was saved? How I reached out to the hospital and how the Court of law came to a conclusion that I was sane enough to kill someone but I’m insane for a judicial custody. No matter how long I serve my sentence in silence, I know I would have to speak and face Izhaar someday and I hope he will forgive me.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna say anything?” It was the therapist again.

I started walking and he spoke as usual “Confessions are good for the soul Meera.” 

Without turning back I muttered under my breath “Not always Doc.. Not always!”

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