A Letter to my ex best friend

 

“

SOMEBODY ASKED ME IF I KNOW YOU. 

A MILLION MEMORIES FLASHED THROUGH MY MIND BUT I JUST SMILED AND SAID ‘I USED TO’ 

”

Hey former friend!

How are you.. Good? Not good? I don't care. I am miserable. Utterly miserable. That, I care. Not that I am selfish, but I have no reason to be worrying about you anymore. After all, we have officially broken up.

Yes, it is a break-up, even worse than that of a romantic relationship. And why wouldn't it be? We were inseparable, so much so, that people joked about us being in a relationship even when we were not. If a fallout leaves you shattered and full of self doubt, you can call it a break up right?

I am not exaggerating. I am so far sunk into my sadness that I don't even remember why we fought in the first place. Just a vague recollection of a series of text fights and nasty arguments.. but try I might.. the only overwhelming emotion now is that of the emptiness of your spot in my life!

And believe me, I have tried to overcome it. Tried to be angry but for every offensive thing you said, my brain seems to find justifications on your behalf! I tried to make new friends but my mind finds something they lack, even so little but I find myself pulling away from them!

And perhaps the lamest thing I ever did was to try forgetting our moments! My heart must have laughed to itself. Even a single dialogue in a movie or just a word in a song made me remember you! Just that moment, that one moment I seemed to forget all the hurt and pain, just an all time high yearning to see you another time, to speak to you one more minute! And why wouldn't it happen! We weren't like the normal friends who just spend some time every day and go out on weekends. My whole world revolved around you.. even a task as trivial as having breakfast involved you!

Just how wonderful our time together was! Spending hours each day with each other on the phone.. sharing the most common occurrences didn't seem to bore us.. I can't recall any movie or dialogue I have watched which I haven't talked to you about. Any place or a landmark we visited left an incredible reminder in me! Any person who listens to our calls would be driven crazy! We left nothing unexplored! Right from politics to health tips to movie reviews, right down to intense discussion of family issues and psycho analysis of our parents.. we always had something to talk about! I would never forget the period where I had you on speaker right from the moment I reached my room till I laid to sleep, carrying on everyday tasks just feeling you near me even when we're miles apart!

Those were the times! It's not like we didn't fight at all! That would be impossible, to be so close to someone without disagreements or misunderstandings. If you always get along with someone you are close to, it means one or both of you is/are compromising. But the disagreements didn't stop us at all.. in fact it drew us closer together! That's what I loved the most! We weren't the kind of people who seem to be getting along on the surface but are secretly resenting the other for a past misunderstanding. Whenever we fought, we brought it to the table, we discussed it, even scolded each other but perfectly moved on, forgetting every bad thing that was exchanged, even closer than before.

This is the same reason that I wonder, each day, why our last fight broke us up. It started just like any other fight we have had.. but somehow blew into a big balloon of many unnecessary and petty exchanges. Whatever measures I tried to mend the fences, it failed enormously. Not for lack of effort though, since I said more 'I am sorry' than I had in my life.

But I was not angry. Not even when you decided to cheat on me with another guy, not even when you didn't say a single apology, not even when you decided to list every single flaw of mine. No, I was hoping it was just like any other fight we had. I was hoping we would solve it together, just like we always do.

But no, it didn't happen. Just when I was thinking about some way to reconcile, you threw the most offensive line at me. I know anger can bring out words or accusations that people don't mean. But it wasn't as simple to me. That one statement made me question everything that I ever did for you, made me cry so hard that my mom and colleagues were convinced I was dating and was fighting with my girlfriend, made me re-evaluate my every single approach to new friendships. That line is not so harsh in general. But to me, it is the single most hurtful thing you can say.

You said I was not there for you when you needed me. That I disappointed you. I agree it doesn't contain any swear words or obscenities but to me, the poor soul that I am, it was enough to crush my heart into a thousand pieces. I had a reason to feel that way. I am not funny, I don't have money, my parents don't understand close friendships. The only thing I ever could contribute to my friends in life was just being there for them, listening to them, offering occasional words of comfort.

I always felt like an outsider in school and in college, the 'plus one' in a gang, the place filler. Not the nerd, definitely not the group lead. I was the last one to know things, last one picked to have fun, the last one to be shared gossips with. Having very strict parents didn't help either. But the one thing everyone agreed on, the one thing I prided myself on, was that I was there atleast to listen to people who needed me. You knew that ofcourse! In fact that was the thing I felt brought us together, when I said I felt needed only when I am with you.

That you knew my one big insecurity and still felt worthy enough to accuse me of it is what made me lose it. I didn't know what to do anymore except to shut myself off from the entire friends circle..  as if to shield myself from making further mistakes.

The funny thing is I couldn't even talk to anyone about us without having to explain how close we were.. who would want to relive all that.. so I had a response all prepared for our mutual friends, "We had a fight. We can't be together anymore".

Ofcourse they tried the standard, "You can't fight your best friend. Someone has to compromise first." I could only laugh.. what do they know about what happened.. they just see a couple of close friends not talking anymore after a fight. But what happened was breaking of two hearts, two alike minds parting ways! Only we knew the depth of it!

What followed was weeks of self doubt, secret crying and intense sadness. I still had hope, may be someday eventually you or I would start talks about getting together… atleast going out with mutual friends, paving the way to improve things between us.

I tried to pull away, stopped my usual interactions in social media..  Stopped talking to mutual friends regarding this since I didn't want to jeopardize their relationship with you. But it was difficult, I realized later, because whoever I know, you also know, including my college friends! The circle was so reduced that I didn't have a life outside you at all! Now I realize how pathetic I must have felt!

I didn't know how to freely laugh anymore..  like I had lost the sense of normalcy.. if I had brief moment of joy, somewhere somehow I would feel a pang of pain reminding me of the time with you!

But however huge a pain is, there will be a moment, like a hard slap across the face, to realise that enough is enough.. how long do I have to endure this.. I don't deserve this. I came across such a moment myself. I must thank you for it.. since it was your actions that made me stop and revaluate myself.

However kind a person is, how wonderful their words are, their true character reveals itself after getting hurt. After persuasion, apologies and fights and the usual exchanges after a fight, either we make a clean break and leave each other alone or make it a point to make the other suffer. You decided this very soon. The same mouth which defended me against trolls started shaming me in public.. the same heart which made sure I wasn't alone started isolating me.. the same mind which taught me how not to make people walk all over me ridiculed me in each and every opportunity. How much ever i was ready not to react to provocative things, it got that much harder to maintain the high ground!

But I did. I took every insult in stride, every hurting moment with a smile. I am proud I was and still am able to be that way. I don't have any rights to hurt you or blame you or spoil your relationship with others once you and I are over. That is the philosophy I believe in. If things are not working out, beg, talk, discuss or even slap each other.. but when all else fails, just walk away! No need to inflict the same hurt that you experienced.. It doesn't make you weak or submissive. In fact you are stronger!

Now I know I am not a saint.. I made mistakes! I might continue to make mistakes.. Why punish me so much this time! Even after you agreed that the reason is the same as before, you had to make sure I suffered! You could have just said so if you had had enough of me and my incompetence. Why! What did I do so horrible that I had to be treated this way! Why, I ask aloud daily, as if an answer is going to appear.. 

I convince myself I am not enough.. or that my mistakes overweigh my love for you.. or that simply you have grown tired of me.. whatever the reason is.. we are strangers now and will meet in another world!

From,

A lost friend far away.

A/N: To all my regular readers and the people reading this, here to inform you that this shall be my last one. I’m taking myself off writing forever. Due to some personal reasons, I do not align myself with writing anymore.  Thank you all for standing with me through my storm. Peace out !