Guilt

// 

As I sat there, looking down my terrace with a cigarette between my fingers, I felt empty. It felt like all the reasons I loved about being alive, are suddenly my reasons to end my breathing. I was smiling with tears, as smoke exhaled after every drag was vanishing in heavy winds like the 15 stories high building is consuming more cigarettes than my lungs.

“Aasra!” Namit said out of breath. “I knew I would find you here”

“Hey” I smiled. His presence to me does what charging do to a dying battery.

He came and sat with me carefully. “This part of terrace has no railings, you should be very careful here Aasra, especially during nights.”

He was right how come I never thought about jumping from here? How will it feel like? Then I can hear my own voice roaring in air like thunder while going down. But, what about the burden of culpability I am carrying? Will it vanish with my breathing?

“Aasra” He signalled on the cigarette which was now ignited to the verge of the filter end and about touch my holding fingers, I was so consumed with my thoughts that I forgot the smoke.

“Oh” I threw it down.

He was looking at me in such a way which scared me “Is something bothering you?” How can I lie to this person? He means everything to me. Is hiding something is considerably lying?

“It’s nothing.. It’s just umm, all these relative and so many functions and stuff is making me paranoid. I guess.”

“Babe” he held my hand. “We can cancel or postpone all this if you want, but you want to get married to me, don’t you?” He winked at me.

“Yes” I nodded my head at his question. Do I want to? Are you kidding me Namit? I can mortgage every possible thing available to me just to be with you forever.

“Can I ask you something Namit?” I asked.

“Anything Aasra” he replied looking the view city lights from terrace.

“Do you still miss Inisha?”

He looked me in the eye with confidence. “We are about to get married Aasra and I can’t lie to you. I don’t miss her like I used to but yes I do remember her, and she will always be a part of my memories. But, that doesn’t change anything between us. I’m sure wherever she is, she must be watching us and also thanking you take care of me in all those hard times.”

I was taken aback at that. I finally had done it. It took me three years but, I made Inisha a memory instead of a part of his life. Life was so hard when she was around. I remember the way he used to look at her, I remember when he didn't used to reply my messages just to reply her faster, and I remember the fire ignited whenever they planned movies or dinners. But still, I wouldn’t have done what I did.

I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known it’ll send Namit in trauma. I wouldn’t have done if I’d known he will cry even in his sleep. I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known his parents will cry while watching Namit in that condition and I surely wouldn’t have done that if I had known that the humanity inside me will be breached till this extent. The journey of breaking someone completely and then making him will eventually make us emotionless.

“Sometimes I wonder would it make any difference if I was also with her when the speeding car hit her.” Namit sighed.

“Let’s not talk about that Namit” I pleaded.

How can I tell him that that car would have chosen another day then. How can I tell him that my love for him became an obsession with time. How can I tell him that that the steering wheel of the car which crushed Inisha were in my control. How can I tell him that I could've called the ambulance but I waited to see her lifeless. How can I tell him what cost I paid to share my life with him and how possibly can I tell him every night Inisha haunts me, no matter which place or terrace I’m on.

“Sure, let’s change the topic.” See this, he took out two bottles of beer from a handbag and handed over me one. We opened it and clinked the beer bottles.

“To a new life!” Namit said raising the toast.

I smiled “To the guilt of a lifetime!” echoed in my consciousness as beer tasted my lips. //